So I've been away from the blog for a bit. I have to say I have also been away from my journey too. Yep I've back slid a bit.

Now growing up the way I did Back sliding is a big dangerous idea that involves Satan and damnation. But back sliding doesn't have to be shameful. Recognizing that your are doing it is a good start. 

Yes I have spent the last month being reckless, spending when I shouldn't. Eating things I know are bad for me and will make me sick. I have not been taking care of myself while pretending to.  This does not make me a bad person, instead it gives me opportunity to grow. 

In western culture we have a real "you deserve it" mentality, which really isn't healthy. It's easy to justify another pair of sunglasses you just adore with "Oh go on, you've had a tough time lately, you deserve it." Then a few minutes later we are using the same line to buy yourself lunch and then a coffee and then more make up and then... and then... and then... 

STOP!!

When you have a limited amount of money(and honestly it seems who doesn't) impulsively spending money to treat yourself is actually self destructiveness disguised as "taking care of you". I'm not saying you can't ever buy yourself something nice, but stop and think about how you will feel in a weeks time. **

Often when we are struggling we look back and regret these purchases and they make us feel worse that they did in the beginning. Which then feeds the monster in our head that tells us we are terrible people. We need to do all that we can to starve that monster and feed our cheerleader. 

Think of treats and special things that don't involve spending money or putting yourself in potential harm. Want a nice lunch out... have a picnic in a park with a homemade lunch and a good book.  Invite friends and everyone can share.

Wear an outfit you usually reserve for special occasions, just because. Do bold make up that you always admire on other but never dare to do. By all means treat yourself , you do deserve it, but think about things that will continue to make you feel good. Banish the ideas that will fill you withe shame in a few days. 

Feed that cheerleader. She is strong and beautiful and amazing and will support you forever.

Starve the monster. He only pretends to be a friend, he's working against you and always will. 

I know this won't work for everyone, but I'm a strong believer of creative visualization. I like to imagine myself sitting at a table and there are three chairs and two full plates of food. One seat is mine and another sits my cheerleader and the final one sits my monster. I then pick up the plates and give one to myself and then one to my cheerleader. This is the only way this equation can work for my survival.

I hope your journey is less bumpy than mine has been. Love yourself, because you deserve it.

**I've spoken mainly about spending money because that is my particular demon, this can just as easily apply to many other self destructive behaviors like unhealthy eating, or unusually risky behaviors, under the guise of "you deserve it". 

Over the past few weeks I have heard some variation of "Take care of yourself" just about everyday. Either as a wish, a demand, or a question people keep telling it to me. I have no problem with the sentiment and in fact appreciate it. It just also baffles me. 

How do you take care of yourself? What do you do? I actually have no idea how to do what seems like this very simple task. This frustrated me each time someone said it to me. I'd want to scream back "HOW?!" 

I knew at a core level, letting myself buy "little treats" here and there "cause I deserve it" wasn't right.  Nor was letting myself "cheat" and eat some gluten filled foods. These were self destructive habits wrapped is soft pink friendliness. They look like being good to myself but were only ways in which I was punishing myself secretly.

In the end I have limited money and should be focusing on conserving it. I don't deserve or need any more make up. Spending money on things that only temporarily make me feel better, does not help when at the end of the week I have no food or money. As for the tim tams and pizza, they do my body no favors. The exhaustion and sluggishness the gluten causes me will not be helping my emotions. 

So now that I know what taking care of myself doesn't look like, how do I know what it does look like. Here I was stumped until my dear friend Jenni pointed me to Gala Darling. She talks a lot about Radical Self Love which is awesome. but in Chapter 1 of Love and Sequins, she talks about treating you the way you treat your best friend. 

This concept rattled around in my brain like a grenade down a hall in an action flick. Just as my brain could see it for what it was, a radical, life changing idea. It exploded creating a moment that shall mark my old life from my new life. I sat here thinking not only treating myself like I do my best friend but furthermore like I treat my lovers. Suddenly I understood "taking care of myself".

Be gentle with myself, understand I'm going through a lot right now. Advise myself of good choices and bad choices, and understand that sometimes I make mistakes. Support myself and be kind to myself. Treat myself to the things that I can, that won't cause stress down the road. Which mostly means for me lots of slurpees. Encourage good behaviors and discourage destructive ones. Indulge in things that bring me joy, and stop putting off the things I have said I would do, or I need to do. Love myself unconditionally not despite of my flaws, but because of them. 

I'm trying to remember the quote above and know that it is true. There is only one me. It's just as much my flaws and weaknesses that make me who I am, as it is my strengths. Everyday I am becoming the best me. I am better than I was yesterday and tomorrow I'll be greater still. 

So if you are out there on this path with me, be good to yourself, and take care. You are the only you out there and I'd sure miss having you here in the world. 

How do you start your morning? I usually roll over and check my phone which is usually on or under my pillow. I check it both for the time and to see what new things I have in my life. What emails do I have? Who posted what on my facebook. Do I have snapchats that aren't creepy guys?

Each of these questions contains a fear or anxiety hidden in them. Will there be bad news in my email box? Why don't my facebook posts get as much attention as other people's? Is my only redeeming feature that I am sexy? Do my friends like me? What a horrible way to start my day. 

This is all part of an overwhelming trend I am noticing. My daily habits are contributing to my unhappiness. They are conspiring to help me loathe myself. If I ma to get anywhere along this journey I need to start changing them. 

Now anyone will tell you, you can only change habits incrementally. Going and creating a whole new daily routine will be overwhelming, scary and too much all at once. So I'm starting with one of the most important, the morning. 

I have a few basic goals I'm hoping to change and thus improve not only my morning but with it my entire day. 

1. Stop looking at my phone through out the night and first thing upon waking up. This means buying an alarm clock. 
   
2. Start every morning by looking in the mirror and telling myself "Brooklynne I love you." To do it as genuinely as I can, and follow it with a real smile.
   
3. Make my breakfast and coffee, and while my cereal gets properly soggy(yes I know I'm weird) to meditate for 2minutes while smiling.
   
4. Write in my Radical Self Love Bible, journal, or idea notebook, while I eat and sip coffee. 
   
5. Stretch and move, maybe try some simple basic yoga. 
   
6. Finally if I still feel the urge I can look at my phone or laptop. 
   

Now I'm not completely unrealistic. I know I will slip. I know that there will be days I sleep in and am running late. But the goal is to get back on the horse every time I fall off. With these changes hopefully more will naturally follow. The morning is an important time as it is when we set up our entire day. How we start the day is more likely how we will end it. 

How do you start the morning? How can you change your morning routine to improve your day?

Every Journey no matter how big or small, walking to the supermarket or becoming a better version of you, all starts with that one courageous move. That first step. This is my first step, right here right now. A step forward into the future where I love myself. 

Maybe not completely. Maybe not totally but a lot more than I do now. I'm not entirely sure where or how I'm going to continue this journey but today I have decided that I need to start it. 

I cannot look in my mirror one more day and hat that person. It's just not working for me anymore. Actually no it never worked for me. It was working against me.

I will not let my own self loathing hinder me any longer. No more will I destroy everything around me just to prove to myself that I'm not worthy.  
I will no longer create self-fulfilling prophecies.  

I am worthy of everything I want to achieve,

I am wonderful and beautiful inside and out.

I deserve to be loved by everyone including me.